Cherry Picker

The ‘Golden Retriever Boyfriend’ Stereotype

I see lots of women praising their partner for their ‘Golden Retriever energy’. As dog breeds go, Golden Retrievers are the most popular one, especially for families and first time dog owners. When talking about young men, the stereotype offers something unique and new: a version of masculinity that is not violent, not competitive, not emotionally repressed and not controlling. Golden Retriever dogs are:

• caring, empathetic, affectionate, (family-)friendly, sociable
• happy, optimistic, enthusiastic, playful, emotionally stable
• simple, low-maintenance
• open, emotionally expressive, emotionally available, curious
• sincere, honest/non-deceptive
• safe, peaceful, harmless, tolerant, patient
• agreeable, accepting, eager-to-please, cooperative, obedient
• devoted, attached, interdependent, loyal, forgiving

There are a lot of traits here that are desirable in a romantic partner. However, I see two weaknesses of this stereotype:

1. Responsibility: It is fine for a dog to be careless and clueless. But labelling your partner a Golden Retriever Boyfriend can be a way to excuse their ignorance and all the ways in which they might not contribute to the partnership in equal measure. Your partner should have equal say and responsibilities. They should know what vaccines their child has and why it is rude and gross to pee standing up when using a Western toilet. Women should not be burdened by having to guide and manage their partner. As the girlfriend of a happy-go-lucky guy, you run the risk of having to mother them. It is attractive to be playful and easygoing, but it is necessary and age-appropriate to be competent, informed, and proactive so as to share your partner’s cognitive load.

2. Discernment: It is fine for a dog to love anyone and everyone. But people should be selective and conditional with their love. An overly agreeable Golden Retriever Boyfriend will tolerate horrible people in their friend group. They have that creepy friend who shares his ex girlfriend’s nudes, a friend who rants about how immigrants’ cheap labor has ruined the economy and men who get drunk at football games to then set cars on fire and get into a brawl with fans of the rival team. It is important to not be so dependent on others’ attention and approval that you abandon your values and standards. A dog wants love from racists and rapists, but a person of good character does not. Even if the person were only a Golden Retriever in their love life, unconditional love is problematic. A dog endures mistreatment, but your partner holds you accountable, stays mad if there is no apology and leaves when there is no sign of future improvement. Loyalty, patience and tolerance need to have limits.

Now, what about the third potential problem: Is the Golden Retriever stereotype misandrist?

Obviously, likening men to dogs could be patronizing if done in a reductive way to praise obedience and passivity. However, in practice, women who use this comparison do so lovingly and to express their appreciation for their partner’s warmth, enthusiasm and sincerity. Praising these qualities in your boyfriend is unproblematic and sweet and I believe that people can therefore keep saying that their boyfriend or partner is ‘such a Golden Retriever’.

The ‘Slightly Autistic Girlfriend’ Stereotype

Is this the female equivalent?

Compare this to another trope that could, in theory, be a female variant of the Golden Retriever personality type, but that I have a big problem with: the ‘Slightly Autistic Girlfriend’. This is a trend that went around TikTok recently and I have also seen compilations of screenshots of men‘s online dating profiles proclaiming to be looking for this type of girlfriend. She does not share the Golden Retriever’s traits of being outgoing and sociable. But she is not portrayed to be cold, reserved, rude or difficult either.

The Slightly Autistic Girlfriend trope would be harmless, if it highlighted an appreciation for traits like nerdiness and candor. It could reasonably be about those attributes. Autistic people often fixate on their hobbies and interests with a devotion that parallels a child’s enthusiasm (nerdiness) and they communicate more directly (candor). Both of which would be benign and flattering oversimplifications comparable to the ‘Golden Retriever Boyfriend’. Theoretically, these stereotypes are similar.

Fetishizing Vulnerability

However, according to the actual short form videos that make up the ‘Slightly Autistic Girlfriend’ trend, the ideal girlfriend is easily excited, ever-playful, and deeply naive. In short, autistic women are praised for being childlike. It is true that autistic people usually do not instinctively understand the implicit nuances of social interactions, but have to make a conscious effort to learn them through tangible explicit rules. As a result of their poor intuition, they can seem naive, be more susceptible to manipulation and have fewer friends — which seems to be part of what people like about the ‘Slightly Autistic Girlfriend’. And social isolation paired with lower emotional intelligence are vulnerabilities that attract people who wish to control their partner. The ‘Slightly Autistic Girlfriend’ trend could have been as wholesome as the ‘Golden Retriever Boyfriend’ if it did not specifically highlight and fetishize naïveté and vulnerability.

Why ‘slight’ autism specifically?

I should also point out that when men praise ‘slight’ autism, they probably mean that they do not want to deal with the challenges that autism poses in a romantic relationship. And autistic women have noticed this, too. Many of them have commented that they doubt that these men are prepared to accommodate an autistic partner’s needs or help them when they get overwhelmed. They only want the ‘perks’: a woman who they imagine to be just disabled enough to be easy to control, but not so disabled that it would burden her partner. It is truly short-sighted, self-serving, and pathetic.

No shade to women with autism!

To be clear, women with autism are not second-rate partners. When I criticize the ‘Slightly Autistic Girlfriend’ trend, I want to disparage specifically only the would-be manipulative partner in this dynamic. Autistic people are just as dateable as other people. Everyone knows that they are capable of happy and healthy romantic relationships. From what I have seen on Love on the Spectrum, many of them seem to be better romantic partners than neurotypical people like myself. And if one partner is autistic and the other one neurotypical: There is nothing wrong with that unless the neurotypical partner deliberately sought out the autistic person, because they were hoping that autism would make the other person more isolated, vulnerable, malleable and easy to control.

Verdict

So, if you are a woman with a ‘Golden Retriever Boyfriend’, please ascertain that you are still dating a responsible adult with boundaries and a backbone.

But if you are a man who wants to date a ‘Slightly Autistic Woman’, please interrogate where that desire comes from. Liking directness, enthusiasm, and sincerity is one thing. Wanting a naive, socially dependent partner is another. Maybe delete the phrase from your online dating profile or elaborate to avoid being misunderstood.

Personally, I would not intentionally seek out a ‘Golden Retriever Boyfriend’ for myself. Of course, not being domineering or aggressive is a bare minimums requirement for romantic partnership for me too. But I am fine with occasional pushback, low energy, and introversion from a partner. In a way, that feels more natural to me. I myself embody neither the ‘Golden Retriever’ nor the ‘Black Cat’ (its counterpart) archetype fully and I believe that people who are more critical, calm, and reserved (‘Black Cat’ energy) are just as attractive as those who are excitable and extraverted (‘Golden Retriever’ energy).