Cherry Picker

I see lots of women praising their partner for their Golden Retriever energy. Golden Retrievers are the most popular dog for good reason and this stereotype offers something unique and new: a version of masculinity that is not violent, not competitive, not emotionally repressed and not controlling. Golden Retrievers are:

• caring, empathetic, affectionate, (family-)friendly, sociable
• happy, optimistic, enthusiastic, playful, emotionally stable
• simple, low-maintenance
• open, emotionally expressive, emotionally available, curious
• sincere, honest/non-deceptive
• safe, peaceful, harmless, tolerant
• agreeable, accepting, eager-to-please, cooperative, obedient
• devoted, attached, interdependent, loyal, forgiving, patient

There are a lot of traits here that are desirable in a romantic partner. However, like all stereotypes, this one is reductive and there are two key problems I have with it.

1. Responsibility: It is fine for a dog to be careless and clueless. But labelling your partner a Golden Retriever Boyfriend can be a way to excuse their ignorance and all the ways in which they might not contribute to the partnership in equal measure. Your partner should be shrewd enough to have equal say and responsibilities. They should know what vaccines their child has and why it is rude and gross to pee standing up (unless outside or at a urinal). Women should not be burdened by having to guide and manage their partner. As the girlfriend of this guy, you run the risk of having to mother them. It is attractive to be playful and easygoing, but it is necessary to be competent, informed, and proactive so as to share your partner’s cognitive load.

2. Discernment: It is fine for a dog to love everyone. But people should be selective and conditional with their love. A Golden Retriever Boyfriend might tolerate horrible people in their friend group. They have that creepy friend who shares his ex girlfriend’s nudes, a friend who rants about how immigrants’ cheap labor has ruined the economy and men who get drunk at football games to then set cars on fire and get into a brawl with fans of the rival team. It is important to not be so dependent on others’ attention and approval that you abandon your values and standards. A dog wants love from racists and rapists, but a person of good character does not. Even if the person were only a Golden Retriever in their love life, unconditional love is problematic. A dog endures mistreatment, but your partner holds you accountable, stays mad if there is no apology and leaves when there is no sign of future improvement. Loyalty, patience and tolerance need to have limits.

Limitations of the Analogy

To point out the obvious: Likening men to dogs would be patronizing if done in a reductive way to praise obedience and passivity. However, in practice, women who use this comparison do so lovingly and to express their appreciation for their partner’s warmth, enthusiasm and sincerity. So, they are not assholes for doing it.

Compare this to the more insidious ‘Slightly Autistic Girlfriend’ trend that went around TikTok recently. This would similarly harmless, if it highlighted an appreciation for traits like nerdiness and candor. Autistic people often fixate on their hobbies and interests with a devotion that parallels a child’s enthusiasm and they communicate more directly. Both of which would be benign and flattering oversimplifications comparable to the ‘Golden Retriever Boyfriend’.

However, according to the ‘Slightly Autistic Girlfriend’ trend, the ideal girlfriend is easily excited, ever-playful, and deeply naive. In short, autistic women are praised for being childlike. There is a kernel of truth in there: Autistic people usually do not instinctively understand the implicit nuances of social interactions, but have to make a conscious effort to learn them through tangible explicit rules. As a result of their poor intuition, they can seem naive, be more susceptible to manipulation and have fewer friends. And social isolation paired with lower emotional intelligence are vulnerabilities that attract people who wish to control their partner.

So, if you are a woman with a ‘Golden Retriever Boyfriend’, please ascertain that you are still dating a responsible adult with boundaries and a backbone. But if you are a man who wants to date a ‘Slightly Autistic Woman’, please interrogate where that comes from. Liking directness, enthusiasm, and sincerity is one thing. Wanting a naive, socially dependent partner is another.

Of course, not being domineering or aggressive is a bare minimums requirement for romantic partnership for me too. But I would not go so far as to say that I, personally, want a ‘Golden Retriever Boyfriend’. I am fine with occasional pushback, low energy, and introversion. I myself embody neither the ‘Golden Retriever’ nor the ‘Black Cat’ (its counterpart) archetype fully. I find people who are more critical, calm, and reserved just as attractive as those who are excitable and extraverted.