Cherry Picker

As a heterosexual man, should you be using online dating to find a partner? Most men who create an account on one of the major dating apps soon realize that plenty of women with whom they would probably have a chance irl will not match with them online. This post describes where that discrepancy comes from and offers advice on what can be done about it.

To be honest, I am writing this with two specific people in mind: My ex and my male roommate who have both told in me about their unsatisfying experiences in online dating. My diagnosis: I believe that my ex’s profile states that he is vegan, bisexual and polyamorous and that he enjoys bouldering and playing various instruments. I speculate that his bio is written in rather flowery language and that he is evasive about his job and income situation. His problem will be what people might infer about him from those things. My roommate’s problem is probably that his profile is a bit bland and basic, his standards are pretty high and even when he is actively dating a woman, he will sometimes go MIA on them for weeks. Both of them are quick to blame looks an money for their problems and I am sure that both of them are wrong. So, this is what I wish they would understand about the reality of online dating and about women.

Disclaimer: For the purpose of explaining a specific gendered phenomenon in heterosexual online dating, I will generalize about men’s and women’s typical experiences and behavior. However, every person is unique and there are many exceptions to the patterns I am going to describe.

Bad Odds from the Get-Go

Men and women generally use online dating platforms very differently. Men are over-represented on most of them (about 2/3 of users). They also view more profiles per day than women and then give many (46% on average) of them a like. Women therefore get tons of likes. They only swipe right on roughly 14% (on average) of the profiles they see. Arguably, women are already more selective by nature, but the dynamics of dating apps exacerbate this difference in selectivity.

Note that it is difficult to get reliable data on online dating, because it is in the financial interest of Match Group to not make their apps seem like the sausage fest that they are. For more info about the mathematics of online dating see “Why Men Get so Few Matches on Dating Apps” by Memeable Data on YouTube (which is where I found my data).

Meanwhile in the Women’s Camp

One problem is the design of a typical dating platform which does not mimic real life, but acts like an online shop offering thousands of similar-looking products (potential partners) in isolation. And because app design shapes user behavior, users are therefore pushed to act like maximizers rather than satisficers in their selection. People do not just pick the first option in the ‘catalogue’ that fulfills all necessary criteria (satisficing). They are encouraged to continue looking for the best option there is (maximizing). Obviously, this structure quickly becomes dehumanizing and objectifying when applied to dating instead of shopping.

Ultimately, most users are looking for just one partner. So, they start with the apparently best-looking, most successful, most interesting person out of those who have swiped right on them. This is true for men and for women. But because the number of likes is distributed so unevenly between the genders, men will (perhaps grudgingly) set their sights on women whom they judge to be of mediocre or inferior attractiveness, while women need to narrow down their options and, predictably, go the maximizer-route.

Add to this that a dating platform is a deeply artificial environment in that it does not reveal any information about demand. An example: Imagine that a man at a party is surrounded by 20 women who all look conventionally more beautiful than me. All 20 of them try to talk to him, and he is already really engrossed in a lively conversation with a woman who looks like Zendaya. Of course, I would not waste my time getting in line to talk to him. I would look around, perhaps see an attractive man who is getting less attention and strike up a conversation with him. In real life, women initially start dating men who are ‘in their league’. They prioritize what they most desire and strategically compromise on the things that are unimportant to them, but that might be dealbreakers for others.

Consider, too, that in online dating, generally, women are not meeting men through friends. There is no social context, no additional ways to figure out someone’s vibe, their actual demeanor, culture, values, and past. All there is, is the profile and maybe a few messages. So, they can only infer. Is the vegan overly moralizing? Is the Muslim homophobic? Is the football fan getting drunk every weekend? These concerns might be rooted in unfounded stereotypes, past experiences, or in empirically real correlations. I am aware they are unfair to the individual either way. But they offer a heuristic for filtering more results. And so, many women treat inferences like additional information and swipe left on the profiles they feel ambivalent about.

A Vicious Cycle

Although they technically know that they are not entitled to women’s romantic interest, some men get angry at not getting likes and matches — especially when they know they are already swiping right on plenty of women whom they would consider (conventionally) much less attractive than them — which I do not think is wise btw. Other men become depressed and hopeless.

Both emotional reactions make them less friendly and laid-back when chatting. Out of a new-found nihilism and/or anger, a few men start trolling, sexually harassing and insulting women, exacerbating the problem by further lowering the amount of time and energy women can and want to spend online dating.

Reasons for Hope ❤️

According to Rosenfeld, Thomas & Hausen (2019), 39% of US American couples in 2017 reported having met online. It stands to reason that this number would have gone up in the 9 years since then and that it is especially high for couples that got together more recently. By my estimate, the majority of couples that start dating now have met online.

And online dating creates new opportunities through users’ mutual visibility. You see, for me, the most exciting part of it was coming across profiles of men I knew irl and thus finding out that they were single. I could now find out what they were looking for in a partner without having to ask. For example, I once matched with someone I had known from boxing years ago.

Now, please think of someone attractive from your past that you have not kept in touch with. You, they or both of you might have been in a relationship at the time. Or you never communicated outside of that shared hobby or specific occasion. Even just having an online dating profile will leave the door open for them to message you. “Aren’t you X’s roommate?”, “Don’t I know you from Y’s lecture?” or even “Omg I had such a crush on you back in fifth grade”. Remember, pretty much everyone that you find attractive and that is single, is also “on the apps”.

1) Attitude Shifts

Self-Esteem

First of all, you and your profile are not the same. Almost every guy I have met is much more attractive than their online dating profile. It was never the guy who got rejected, but some text and a (sometimes bad) photo. Besides, even if the number of likes accurately represented women’s interest you, that says nothing about your worth as a person. And lastly, remember that the system is rigged so that even attractive, well-adjusted, funny, caring men such as yourself do not receive many matches.

The lesson is: You are not too ugly, you are not too poor. When dating apps make you feel that way, take a break and do something to improve your self-esteem. This is an important act of emotional self-care.

Picking is Work

Understand that it takes time and effort to gage compatibility. For example, if a woman’s profile says that she is looking for a serious relationship and that she wants to have kids, she should not be receiving any likes from men who are looking for casual sex. It is both lazy and counterproductive of men to collectively offload the task of selecting onto the women by not taking the time to read profiles attentively. If you are swiping right on 46% of profiles on average, you are either not reading or not being discerning. This is actually true for my roommate. He does not want to date someone who already has kids and yet he has matched with single mothers multiple times because he could not be bothered to read even the most basic stats in her bio before the first exchange of messages.

The lesson is: Dating apps are exhausting for women, because the load of the cognitive labor is often put on them. You can do your part to reduce this problem by vetting profiles carefully.

2) Creating a Good Profile

Self-Exploration

Filling out an online dating profile can guide you to reflect on what you want in life and love. Having and knowing your dating goals is obviously necessary for you to find what you are looking for. Many men are apparently looking for everything from ‘hookups’ to ‘friends with and without benefits’ to ‘short-term and long-term relationships’ or ‘marriage’ and even at age 30-50 are still pondering whether or not they would like to have kids. Consider what you are hoping to find and put only that on your profile. Make sure not to get hung up on what you should want. And do not include things that you are only considering because they are still better than nothing. I know it can be scary to admit what you want, but closed mouths do not get fed.

Also, make sure you really understand who you are and what kind of partner you want. For this, I really liked the original OkCupid questionnaire. Unfortunately, only few of those questions can still be found through googling. You could still get them by joining OkCupid or just use other question lists you find online. You could also try pseudo psychology like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, zodiac signs (Western and/or Chinese), Enneagram types, love languages etc. It is fine if it is not backed by science. Anecdotally, this stuff still helps people or is at least fun.

On a more serious note, figure out the real stuff too: your flaws and fears, your attachment style and mental health challenges, your political alignment and moral values, your views on (racial and gender) equality, how you would want to raise your kids, your cultural background etc. and how you would feel about your partner not agreeing with you on these things. For example, I am a rather secular German-Lutheran Christian who does not care if her partner and/or her kid(s) are Christian, but who would not be willing to her baby boy getting circumcised to appease a Jewish or Muslim father.

The lesson is: Work on formulating concrete dating goals and knowing who you are as a person and what kind of person you want to date.

Authenticity

Make sure your profile is not misleading by getting feedback from people that you can trust to be honest. Ask them to check for you that:

1. You are not underselling yourself (by using unflattering pictures) and you are not accidentally catfishing people (by exaggerating your cooking skills etc).

2. You are being self-aware. Do not pretend to be an outgoing party animal when you are a goody two-shoes or vice versa.

3. You are managing what people might infer about you from your bio and pictures — to a reasonable extent. Consult an LLM of your choice: “What (negative) things may women associate with dating a man who writes that he is an entrepreneur?”. If and only if these associations are inaccurate, counteract them. Maybe you are all about the gym life. If you do not want a woman to worry you might judge her body and diet, you could write “I lift, but I am too much of a foodie to ever be a rice-and-chicken gym bro”.

4. You are not being bland in an effort to appeal to as many people as possible. Mention something unusual about yourself to make your profile more memorable and give people something to work with when they first message you.

5. You are not being publicly inappropriate (in an effort to not be bland). Make sure, it would be fine if people at work saw your profile. Do not brag about kinks when you are a middle school teacher.

Some people might offer you feedback beyond those five criteria by considering, if they would swipe right on you. This can be interesting, but you are under no obligation to follow their suggestions and should not tailor your profile to the taste of a specific friend.

The lesson is: Ask your (female) friends to review your photos and bio for you. Ask them what they would infer about you from your bio, hobbies, job and consider guiding others’ interpretation of your profile by adding information.

Respectfully Signaling Availability

Having an online dating profile can save you from being too forward or even inappropriate with people irl. You should not try to chat up the cute cashier in her place of work. But in online dating, she can check out your profile and be curious about you without embarrassment or pressure. Yes, the thought of your boss, your mother, your ex, your former teacher and your therapist potentially also seeing your profile is uncomfortable. However, everyone on these apps is in the same boat and as long as you do not match them, it is not like you approached them just by having a profile on the same platform.

The lesson is: Allow people to find and recognize your profile. This works best, if you cultivate a large circle of friendly acquaintances, so grow your non-romantic social life.

Date-Me Docs

I first read about this in the New York Times. The idea is simple: Create a public Google Doc in which you introduce yourself and invite people to contact you or to share your profile with a cute friend who might be interested in dating you. If you have no idea what to write, it helps to have filled out a standard online dating profile and just include the best parts of that. Once you are reasonably happy with your date-me doc, you could share the link to said doc in your social media bio.

The lesson is: Create a date-me doc.

Pay-to-Win

The original OkCupid algorithm was brilliant at calculating compatibility (see OkCupid founder Christian Rudder’s 2013 TED Talk Inside OkCupid: The Math of Online Dating). In 2011, OkCupid was bought by Match Group who over the years gradually gamified and commercialized it until it became the Tinder clone it is today. OkCupid’s fate is proof that these companies strategically make their product worse so they can make a profit from offering extra features to paying customers. Unfortunately, these are not the good parts of the original OkCupid that can be ‘bought back’, but new and totally superfluous functions.

The lesson is: Do not pay.

3) Creating Rapport

It is better for your chances of forging real connections to swipe as little as possible and spend most of your time messaging. What to do exactly really depends on what you are looking for. But generally, it is best to avoid these pitfalls: being bitter, being pushy and being transactional. The goal should be to learn about each other, build trust and create rapport.

Curiosity (easy)

Being curious shows appreciation. Try to figure out how she ticks. Take a sincere interest in her past and opinions, fears and wishes. Most people love talking about themselves and they also long to be understood. When you ask direct questions, try being specific. Rather than asking what her childhood was like (way too broad), ask if she ever stole something when she was a child. If you need ideas, I highly recommend Shelby Copeland’s 100 Best “Never Have I Ever” Questions to Spice Up Game Night and Dr. Arthur Aron’s “36 Questions to Fall in Love”. Ask her about her opinion on anything from the British royal family to backpacking to which pair of glasses suits you better. Also, the best possible compliment is asking her advice and maybe even following it.

Compliments (easy)

It is important that any compliment you give is sincere and grounded in an accurate observation and not just flattery and that it comes with no strings attached. Give the compliment openly and unambiguously, but not in a way that awkwardly puts her on the spot. Ideally, the compliment is made in passing and is not the main topic of the conversation. Do not linger after the compliment. And do not be vulgar.

Try “I listened to that audiobook you recommended. Amazing! I think you have the best taste in books of anyone I know. Should I listen to any of [author]’s other books, too?” or “You look great, are you going out?” or “Your friend is lucky to have you, is she feeling better?” or “My sister wants to know what you put in your hair to make it look like that” or “I had not looked at it that way, but you are so right, that is exactly what it is” or “XYZ is super clever and original, I bet you would love it”.

Small Talk (easy)

You have to give people something to work with when talking to you, so you should talk about yourself without waiting to be asked. Avoid bragging about how great you are or whining about how unfair life is. Lots of people make themselves unlikeable by rambling about how they ran a marathon before breakfast and how they are the only competent person at their place of work. If there is a funny anecdote or tea to be spilled (drama), tell her about that. Sharing is caring. Also, include how you feel about stuff: “Just told the barber I did not like my haircut. Yes, I am very brave, thank you for noticing”. Having a sense of humor about life and yourself makes you likeable and makes the conversation more entertaining.

Note: Some people say that they hate small talk. I think that is because they are a) saying this to seem deep or b) bad at small talk or c) frequently forced to talk to strangers when they do not want to. I recommend two YouTube videos on small talk: What to do if you hate small talk by School of Life which is a more philosophical video about why small talk is more meaningful than people think and Why small talk sucks by Answer in Progress which in its first half reviews the existing research on ‘phatic conversation’ and in the second half has the creator (who hates small talk) put the research results to the test by using them to improve her small talk skills which results on her changing her opinion about it.

Oversharing (risky)

If you talk about emotionally heavy stuff early on, be aware that you might feel weird about it afterwards — especially if the connection does not pan out. Oversharing can expedite the process of creating trust and intimacy, but can also alienate the other person if they are not ready for it. At worst, the other person can feel pressured to reciprocate and open up more than they are emotionally ready to which can make them uncomfortable.

I myself enjoy oversharing. However, I think it is better stick to embarrassing mishaps, juicy breakup drama and psychological turmoil that has already been processed emotionally. That way, nobody is burdening a quasi-stranger with having to worry about them.

Flirting (advanced)

A big part of flirting is hinting at something romantic or sexual, but retaining plausible deniability. It is saying “I clearly thought about it right then, but I am leaving some room for interpretation”. There needs to be tension, ambiguity and playfulness. An unfortunately overused and clumsy example is to tell her that she was in a dream you had. A more customized example could be “I would love to see that movie with you, but I like dubbing and you like subtitles, so it would never work between us”. There are many other ways to flirt, but they all share that they rely on some degree of subtlety which is why this is difficult to pull off via chat.

Teasing (risky)

People also enjoy being teased, because it communicates “I see your flaws clearly and they do not put me off. I can accept them. They are cute and funny and you will be safe being yourself with me”. For example, although I am a sensitive person, I still like being teased about being spoiled, a smart-ass and a nosy gossip.

Be aware that good teasing requires some skill and a deep knowledge of the person teased. If you are not already socially comfortable and emotionally perceptive, skip teasing entirely until you know the person better. If you come across as mean-spirited, teasing will backfire. Do not cross into negging and backhanded compliments.

Dirty Talk (do not initiate)

Until you have met offline, hold back on any overtly sexual comments — unless she brings it up first and you do not want to leave her hanging. Even if her profile states that she is looking for casual sex, remember: Just because you two matched and she is generally open to hookups, you still cannot conclude that she consents to invasive questions or dirty talk or nudes or (phone) sex at this point in time and with you specifically. Metaphorically speaking, you have been invited to an interview and that does not mean that you actually already got the job. So, do not overstep. At worst, you are committing a crime, but it is more likely that you are grossing her out, making her feel used, demeaned, dirty and unsafe. It is best to assume that any woman you match with still 1) needs to know more about you first and 2) then wants to be seduced.

The reason I am including this information is that, last year, one of my girl friends had selected ‘casual dating’ as one of the things she was ‘looking for’ on her online dating profile and a few men decided to try and start a chat with her by sending her sexually aggressive and degrading messages. She blocked them, of course. When I showed the screenshots to a male friend of ours, he shrugged and said ‘Well, I thought she was looking for casual sex, so is that not what she wanted?’. To me, that is as idiotic as assuming that a woman who states ‘marriage’ as a dating goal and has matched with you has therefore automatically proposed to you and consented to marrying you specifically just based on your profile. It is a logical leap that exposes how much the man is flattering himself based on something as diminutive as a ‘like’ — which is both embarrassing for the man and also insulting to the woman and has worked exactly zero times in the history of dating apps. And if my friend does not know it, it might still need to be explained to more people out there.

4) Get Out!

You probably already know this: Do not rely on dating apps alone and do not stay on them for longer than necessary. Try and move the conversation quickly, but gradually 1) from the dating platform to a messenger, 2) then start sending voice notes, 3) then move from the messenger to a spoken phone conversation and 4) from there to a quick meetup or mini date, nothing too daunting. If she likes you, she might not initiate, but will certainly encourage and reward this progression. So, pay attention and do not try to take the next step, if she does not seem excited about it.

Finally, I would be remiss to say that I am not a big fan of dating apps. As always in life: Put your best foot forward, but try not to get attached to the outcome. Create other ways for love to find you offline.