As a heterosexual man, should you be using online dating to find a partner? Most men who create an account on one of the major dating apps soon realize that plenty of women with whom they would probably have a chance irl will not match with them online. Where does this discrepancy come from and what can be done about it?
Bad Odds from the Get-Go
It is important to understand the problem – which is that men and women generally use online dating platforms very differently. Men are over-represented on most platforms (roughly 2/3 of users). They also view more profiles per day than women and then give many (46% on average) of them a like. Women therefore get tons of likes. Because their day also has only 24 hours, they now have to be selective. They only swipe right on roughly 14% (on average) of the profiles they see.
Note that it is difficult to get reliable data, because it is in the financial interest of Match Group to not make their apps seem like the sausage fest that they are. For more info about the mathematics of online dating see “Why Men Get so Few Matches on Dating Apps” by Memeable Data on YouTube (which is where I found the data).
Meanwhile in the Women’s Camp
As a woman, before I have even made any meaningful choices besides having checked ‘female’, I get too many likes and messages to respond to. After deleting smokers, right-wing guys and those who look unfriendly, I am still nowhere close to a single digit number of chats.
One problem is that, by their very design, dating apps manipulate us to be maximizers rather than satisficers. They encourage us to try and find the hot pediatrician. However, to live happily ever after, both men and women should look for someone who matches them in attractiveness and lifestyle.
Add to this that a dating platform is a deeply artificial environment. And that is the polite way of saying that they are dehumanizing and objectifying. Online dating is not like a college party where women can see a cute guy standing by himself. It is not like meeting someone via shared friends. A dating platform is more like an online shop with thousands of similar-looking products in isolation.
Women do not see all the other women messaging the same guy as them and they do not see the average guy’s empty inbox. And they can try to infer a guys social context from his bio, but cannot know what the vibes are. Is the vegan overly moralizing? Is the Muslim homophobic? Is the football fan getting drunk every weekend?
Note: These concerns might be rooted in unfounded stereotypes or empirically real correlations. I am aware they are unfair to the individual either way. But they offer a heuristic for filtering more results. And so, women consider these inferences and swipe left on the profiles they feel ambivalent about.
A Vicious Cycle
Although they technically know that they are not entitled to women’s romantic interest, some men get angry at not getting likes and matches — especially when they know they are already swiping right on plenty women who are conventionally much less attractive than them. Other men become depressed and hopeless.
Both emotional reactions make them less friendly and laid-back when chatting. Out of a new-found nihilism and/or anger, a few men start trolling, sexually harassing and insulting women, exacerbating the problem by further lowering the amount of time and energy women can and want to spend online dating.
Some Hope ❤️
According to Rosenfeld, Thomas & Hausen (2019), 39% of US American couples in 2017 reported having met online. It stands to reason that that number would be even higher amongst more recent couples and in more recent times.
And online dating creates new opportunities. For me, the most exciting part was coming across a profile of a guy I knew irl and thus finding out that he was single. I could now find out what he was looking for in a partner without having to ask him. For example, I once matched with someone I had known from boxing years ago.
Now, please think of someone attractive from your past that you have not kept in touch with. You, they or both of you might have been in a relationship at the time. Or you never communicated outside of that shared hobby or specific occasion. Even just having an online dating profile will leave the door open for them to message you. “Aren’t you X’s roommate?”, “Don’t I know you from Y’s lecture?” or even “Omg I had such a crush on you in third grade”. Remember, pretty much everyone that you find attractive and that is single, is also “on the apps”.
1) Practical Advice: Attitude Shifts
Self-Esteem
First of all, you and your profile are not the same. Almost every guy I have met is much more attractive than their online dating profile. It was never the guy who got rejected, but some text and a (sometimes bad) photo. Besides, even if the number of likes accurately represented women’s interest you, that says nothing about your worth as a person. And lastly, remember that the system is rigged so that even attractive, well-adjusted, funny, caring men like yourself do not receive many matches.
The lesson is: You are not too ugly, you are not too poor. When dating apps make you feel that way, take a break and do something to improve your self-esteem. This is an important act of emotional self-care.
Picking is Work
Understand that it takes time and effort to gage compatibility. For example, if a woman’s profile says that she is looking for a serious relationship and that she wants to have kids, she should not be receiving any likes from men who are looking for casual sex. It is both lazy and counterproductive of men to collectively offload the task of selecting onto the women by not taking the time to read profiles attentively.
The lesson is: Dating apps are exhausting for women, because the load of the cognitive labor is often put on them. You can do your part to reduce this problem by vetting profiles carefully.
2) Practical Advice: Create a Good Profile
Self-Exploration
I think everyone should fill out an online dating profile once in their life. It is a useful exercise that lets you to discover who you are in general and what you want dating-wise. Personally, I really liked the original OkCupid questions, but only few of them can still be found through googling. You could get them by joining OkCupid or just use other question lists you find online. Answering these questions is both fun and important. Only few men can answer some of the most basic questions about their dating goals. But how can you hope to find what you want without understanding what that is? Make sure not to get hung up on what you should want or what type of person you believe you should be when answering these questions, though.
The lesson is: Work on formulating concrete dating goals and knowing who you are as a person.
Authenticity
Make sure your profile is not misleading by getting feedback from people that you can trust to be honest. Ask them to check for you that:
1. You are not underselling yourself (by using unflattering pictures) and you are not accidentally catfishing people (by exaggerating your cooking skills etc).
2. You are being self-aware. Do not pretend to be an outgoing party animal when you are a goody two-shoes or vice versa.
3. You are managing what people might infer about you from your bio and pictures — to a reasonable extent. Consult an LLM of your choice: “What (negative) things may women associate with dating a man who writes that he is an entrepreneur?”. If and only if these associations are inaccurate, counteract them. Maybe you are all about the gym life. If you do not want a woman to worry you might judge her body and diet, you could write “I lift, but I am too much of a foodie to ever be a rice-and-chicken gym bro”.
4. You are not being bland in an effort to appeal to as many people as possible. Mention something unusual about yourself to make your profile more memorable and give people something to work with when they first message you.
5. You are not being publicly inappropriate (in an effort to not be bland). Make sure, it would be fine if people at work saw your profile. Do not brag about kinks when you are a middle school teacher.
Some people might offer you feedback beyond those five criteria by considering, if they would swipe right on you. This can be interesting, but you are under no obligation to follow their suggestions and should not tailor your profile to the taste of a specific friend.
The lesson is: Ask your (female) friends to review your photos and bio for you. Ask them what they would infer about you from your bio, hobbies, job and consider guiding others’ interpretation of your profile by adding information.
Respectfully Signaling Availability
Having an online dating profile can save you from being too forward or even inappropriate. You should not try to chat up the cute cashier in her place of work. But in online dating, she can check out your profile and be curious about you without embarrassment or pressure. Yes, the thought of your boss, your mother, your ex, your former teacher and your therapist potentially also seeing your profile is uncomfortable. However, everyone on these apps is in the same boat and as long as you do not match them, it is not like you approached them just by having a profile on the same platform.
The lesson is: Allow people to find and recognize your profile. This works best, if you cultivate a large circle of friendly acquaintances, so grow your non-romantic social life.
Date-Me Docs
I first read about this in the New York Times. The idea is simple: Create a public Google Doc in which you introduce yourself and invite people to contact you or to share your profile with a cute friend who might be interested in dating you. If you have no idea what to write, it helps to have filled out a standard online dating profile and just include the best parts of that. Once you are reasonably happy with your date-me doc, you could share the link to said doc in your social media bio.
The lesson is: Create a date-me doc.
Pay-to-Win
The original OkCupid algorithm was brilliant at calculating compatibility (see OkCupid founder Christian Rudder’s 2013 TED Talk Inside OkCupid: The Math of Online Dating). In 2011, OkCupid was bought by Match Group who over the years gradually gamified and commercialized it until it became the Tinder clone it is today. OkCupid’s fate is proof that these companies strategically make their product worse to profit by offering extra features to paying customers. Unfortunately, these are not the good parts of the original OkCupid that can be bought back, but totally superfluous new functions.
The lesson is: Do not pay.
3) Practical Advice: Messages
It is better for your chances of forging real connections to swipe as little as possible and spend most of your time messaging. What to do exactly really depends on what you are looking for. But generally, it is best to avoid these pitfalls: being bitter, being pushy and being transactional.
Curiosity (easy): Being curious shows that you appreciate her. Try to figure out how she ticks. Take a sincere interest in her past and opinions, fears and wishes. Most people love talking about themselves and they also long to be understood. When you ask direct questions, try being specific. Rather than broadly asking what her childhood was like, you could ask if there were words that she said wrong as a kid or if she ever stole something or at what age she got her own room. Ask her about her opinion on anything from the British royal family to backpacking to which pair of glasses suits you better. Also, the best possible compliment is asking her advice and maybe even following it.
Compliments (easy): Obviously, do not start out too sexual. Next, it is important that any compliment you give is sincere and grounded in an accurate observation and not just flattery and that it comes with no strings attached. Give the compliment openly and unambiguously, but not in a way that awkwardly puts her on the spot. Ideally, the compliment is made in passing and is not the main topic of the conversation. Try “You look great, are you going out?” or “Your friend is lucky to have you, is she feeling better?” or “I had not looked at it that way, but you are so right, that is exactly what it is” or “XYZ is supposed to be super clever and original, I bet you would love it”. Do not linger after the compliment.
Smalltalk (easy): You have to give people something to work with when talking to you, so you should talk about yourself without waiting to be asked. Avoid bragging about how great you are or whining about how unfair life is. Lots of people make themselves unlikeable by rambling about how they ran a marathon before breakfast and how they are the only competent person at their place of work. If there is any funny anecdote or tea to be spilled (drama), tell her about that. Sharing is caring. Also, include how you felt about stuff: “Just told the barber I did not like my haircut. Yes I am very brave, thank you for noticing”.
Note: Some people say that they hate smalltalk. I think that is because they are a) saying this to seem deep or b) bad at smalltalk or c) frequently forced to have smalltalk when they do not want to. I recommend two YouTube videos on smalltalk: What to do if you hate smalltalk by School of Life which is a more philosophical video about why smalltalk is more meaningful than people think and Why smalltalk sucks by Answer in Progress which first reviews the science on ‘phatic conversation’ and then has the creator put the existing research to the test by improving her smalltalk skills and coming to enjoy it.
Flirting (advanced): A big part of flirting is hinting at something romantic or sexual, but retaining plausible deniability. It is saying “I clearly thought about it right then, but I am leaving some room for interpretation”. There needs to be tension, ambiguity and playfulness. An unfortunately overused and clumsy example is to tell her that she was in a dream you had. A more customized example could be “I would love to see that movie with you, but I like dubbing and you like subtitles, so it would never work between us”. There are many other ways to flirt, but they all share that they rely on some degree of subtlety which is why this is difficult to pull off via chat.
Teasing (risky): People also enjoy being teased, because it communicates “I see your flaws clearly and they do not put me off. I can accept them. They are cute and funny and you will be safe being yourself with me”. For example, although I am a sensitive person, I still like being teased about being spoiled, a smart-ass and a nosy gossip.
Be aware that this flirting style requires some skill and a deep knowledge of the person teased. If you are not already socially comfortable and emotionally perceptive, skip teasing entirely until you know the person better. If you come across as mean-spirited, teasing will backfire. Do not cross into negging and backhanded compliments.
Eyes on the Prize: Get Out
You probably already know this: Do not rely on dating apps alone and do not stay on them for longer than necessary. Try and move the conversation quickly, but gradually 1) from the dating platform to a messenger, 2) then start sending voice notes, 3) then move from the messenger to a spoken phone conversation and 4) from there to a quick meetup or mini date, nothing too daunting. If she likes you, she might not initiate, but will certainly encourage and reward this progression. So, pay attention and do not try to take the next step, if she does not seem excited about it.
Finally, I would be remiss to say that I am not a big fan of dating apps. As always in life: Put your best foot forward, but try not to get attached to the outcome. Create other ways for love to find you offline.
Cherry Picker 
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