Cherry Picker

As a heterosexual man, should you be using online dating to find a partner? If you are a pediatrician who looks like a model, you probably do not need this post. If you are not and you create an account on Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, Hinge, etc., you will soon learn that plenty of women with whom you would probably have a chance irl will not match with you. What does that mean for you?

Bad Odds from the Get-Go

It is important to understand the problem – which is that men and women use online dating platforms very differently. This is the dynamic: Men are over-represented on most platforms (roughly 2/3 of users). They also view more profiles per day than women and then give many (46%) of them a like. Women therefore get thousands of likes. Because their day also has only 24 hours, they now have to be selective. They only swipe right on roughly 14% of the profiles they see. I am sure they would loosen their criteria, if this selectiveness resulted in a low number of matches. However, even with them being selective, they get more requests than they can realistically take into consideration.

Note that it is difficult to get reliable data, because it is in the financial interest of Match Group to not make their apps seem like the sausage fests that they are. For more info about the mathematics of online dating see “Why Men Get so Few Matches on Dating Apps” by Memeable Data on YouTube which is where I found the data I mentioned earlier.

Meanwhile in the Women’s Camp

As a woman, I never know how picky to be. Before I have even made any meaningful choices (besides checking ‘female’), I get too many likes and messages to respond to. Now, I have to choose whom to talk to first. I delete smokers, right-wing guys and those who give the camera an evil stare. This does not narrow it down much, so how do I get to a single digit number of chats?

One problem is that, by their very design, dating apps manipulate us to be maximizers rather than satisficers. They encourage us to try and find the hot pediatrician. However, to live happily ever after, both men and women should look for someone who matches them in attractiveness and lifestyle.

Add to this that a dating platform is a deeply artificial environment. And that is the polite way of saying that they are dehumanizing and objectifying. Online dating is not like a college party where women can see a cute guy standing by himself. It is not like meeting someone via shared friends. A dating platform is more like an online shop with thousands of similar-looking products in isolation. Women do not see all the other women messaging the same guy as them and they do not see the average guy’s empty inbox. And they can try to infer a guys social context from his bio, but cannot know what the vibes are. Is the vegan overly moralizing? Is the Muslim homophobic? Is the football fan getting drunk every weekend? Whether these concerns might be rooted in unfounded stereotypes or empirically real correlations, they are unfair to the individual either way. But they offer a heuristic for filtering more results. And so, women consider these inferences and swipe left on the profiles they feel ambivalent about.

A Vicious Cycle

Men begrudge women their pickiness although it is artificially amplified by the designers of online dating apps. And despite technically knowing that they are not entitled to women’s romantic interest, some men get angry at being ignored — especially when they know they are already swiping right on plenty women who are conventionally much less attractive than them. Other men become depressed and hopeless. Both emotional reactions make them less friendly and laid-back when chatting. Out of a new-found nihilism and/or anger, they start trolling, sexually harassing and insulting women, exacerbating the problem by further lowering the amount of time and energy women can and want to spend online dating.

Some Hope ❤️

According to Rosenfeld, Thomas & Hausen (2019), 39% of couples in 2017 reported having met online. It stands to reason that that number would even higher amongst more recent couples and in more recent times. And online dating creates new opportunities. For me, the most exciting part was always coming across a profile of a guy I knew irl and thereby finding out that he was single. I could now find out what he was looking for in a partner without having to ask him. For example, I once matched with someone I had known from boxing years ago.

Now, please think of someone attractive from your past that you have not kept in touch with. You, they or both of you might have been in a relationship at the time. Or you never communicated outside of that shared hobby or specific occasion. Even just having an online dating profile will leave the door open for them to message you. “Aren’t you X’s roommate?”, “Don’t I know you from Y’s lecture?” or even “Omg I had such a crush on you in third grade”. Remember, pretty much everyone that you find attractive and that is single, is also on the apps.

Practicable Advice

If you are a man, I know that it feels like the odds are against you finding a partner on these apps (and they kind of are), but I believe this can end well for you regardless.

1. Self-Esteem: First of all, you and your profile are not the same. Almost every guy I have met is much more attractive than their online dating profile. Maybe they are just not good at self-objectification. Either way, it was not they who got rejected, but some text and a (bad) photo. Besides, even if they did accurately represent women’s interest in dating you, your worth as a person has nothing to do with what percentage of women would consider dating you. And finally, the system really is rigged and even an attractive, well-adjusted, funny, caring man like yourself will not receive many matches.
   
   The lesson is: You are not too ugly, you are not too poor. When dating apps make you feel that way, take a break and do something to improve your self-esteem. This is an important act of emotional self-care.
   
   
2. Picky Women: Try not to resent women for rejecting you. Most of them have not even gotten around to seeing your profile, because, as discussed, they get hundreds of likes per day and many of those who did see your profile and passed on it are just coping with massive amounts of data.
   
   It takes women time and effort to gage compatibility. For example, if a woman’s profile says that she is looking for a serious relationship and that she wants to have kids, she should not be receiving likes from men who are looking for casual sex. Yet, her inbox is inevitably clogged with messages from men who blindly swiped right on her. And so, by empirically not being selective, men collectively create more work for women. On your own, you will not be able to fix this issue — unless you can convince all the other men, including those who are in the same position as you, to really study and strictly assess women’s profiles for compatibility before giving a like.
   
   The lesson is: Women did not create the problem. Dating apps are frustrating for women, too. You can do your part to reduce this problem by vetting profiles carefully.
   
   
3. Self-Exploration: I think everyone should fill out an online dating profile once in their life. It is a useful exercise because it prompts you to discover who you are in general and what you want dating-wise. Shockingly few men can answer the most basic questions about themselves: Do you want a marriage and/or kids? Is it important to you that your partner share your religious beliefs? Personally, I really liked the original OkCupid questions, but since only few of them can still be found through googling, I recommend creating an account with them and copying your favorite questions from there. Or you could use other question lists you find online to explore who you are and what you want in a partner. This is usually a lot of fun besides being crucial for your dating success. You simply need a precise understand of what you want out of dating. But check your ego: Do not get hung up on what you should want or what type of person you should be to seem more attractive.
   
   The lesson is: Work on formulating concrete dating goals and knowing who you are as a person.
   
   
4. Authenticity: Make sure your profile is not misleading by getting feedback from people that you can trust to be honest. Ask them to check for you that:
   
   1. You are not underselling yourself (by using unflattering pictures) and you are not accidentally catfishing people (by exaggerating your cooking skills etc).
   
   2. You are being self aware. Do not pretend to be an outgoing party animal when you are a goody two-shoes or vice versa.
   
   3. You are managing what people might infer about you from your bio and pictures — to a reasonable extent. Consult an LLM of your choice: “What (negative) things may women associate with dating a man who writes that he is an entrepreneur?”. If and only if these associations are inaccurate, counteract them. Maybe you are all about the gym life. If you do not want a woman to worry you might judge her body and diet, you could write “I lift, but I could never be a rice-and-chicken gym bro” etc.
   
   4. You are not being bland in an effort to appeal to as many people as possible. Mention something unusual about yourself to make your profile more memorable and give people something to work with when they first message you. Also, do not be too brief in your bio.
   
   5. You are not being publicly inappropriate (in an effort to not be bland). Make sure, it would be fine if people at work saw your profile. Do not brag about kinks when you are a middle school teacher.
   
   Some people might offer you feedback beyond those five criteria by considering, if they would swipe right on you. This can be interesting, but you are under no obligation to follow their suggestions and should not tailor your profile to the taste of a specific friend.
   
   The lesson is: Ask your (female) friends to review your photos and bio for you. Ask them what they would infer about you from your bio, hobbies, job etc.
   
   
5. Respectfully Signaling Availability: Having an online dating profile can save you from being too forward or even inappropriate. You should not try to chat up the cute cashier in her place of work. But in online dating, she can check out your profile and be curious about you without embarrassment or pressure. Yes, the thought of your boss, your mother, your ex, your former teacher and your therapist potentially also seeing your profile is uncomfortable. However, everyone on these apps is in the same boat and as long as you do not match them, it is not like you approached them just by having a profile on the same platform.
   
   The lesson is: Allow people to find and recognize your profile. This works best, if you cultivate a large circle of friendly acquaintances, so grow your non-romantic social life.
   
   
6. Date-Me Docs: I first read about this in the New York Times. The idea is simple: Create a public Google Doc in which you introduce yourself and invite people to contact you or to share your profile with a cute friend who might be interested in dating you. If you have no idea what to write, it helps to have filled out a standard online dating profile and just include the best parts of that. Once you are reasonably happy with your date-me doc, share the link to said doc in your social media bio.
   
   The lesson is: Create a date-me doc.
   
   
7. Pay-to-Win: Dating apps offer extra features and advantages to paying customers. In my opinion, this is a waste of money and indicative of a bigger problem. For example, the original OkCupid algorithm was brilliant at calculating compatibility. Then, in 2011, it was bought by Match Group who then gradually gamified and commercialized it until it became the Tinder clone, the pay-to-win gaming app it is today. OkCupid is proof that these companies despite being able to seriously facilitate you finding a love connection will strategically only give you enough hope to keep you and keep you paying.
   
   The lesson is: Do not pay.
   
   

Following these tips gives you the best chance at suitable matches. And generally, it is better for your chances of forging real connections to swipe as little as possible and spend most of your time messaging!

After Matching

What to do next really depends on what you are looking for. But generally, it is best to avoid these pitfalls: being bitter, being pushy and being transactional.

Curiosity (easy): Gradually try to find out how she ticks. Take a sincere interest in her past and opinions, fears and wishes. Most people love talking about themselves and they also long to be understood. I know I do. When you ask direct questions, try being specific. Rather than broadly asking what her childhood was like, you could ask if there were words that she said wrong as a kid or if she ever stole something or at what age she got her own room. Ask her about her opinion on anything from the British royal family to backpacking to which pair of glasses suits you better. Being curious shows that you appreciate her. And the best possible compliment is asking her advice and maybe even following it.

Compliments (easy): Obviously, do not start out too sexual. Next, it is important that any compliment you give is sincere and grounded in an accurate observation and not just flattery and that it comes with no strings attached. Give the compliment openly and unambiguously, but not in a way that awkwardly puts her on the spot. Ideally, the compliment is made in passing and is not the main topic of the conversation. Try “You look great, are you going out?” or “Your friend is lucky to have you, is she feeling better?” or “I had not looked at it that way, but you are so right, that is exactly what it is” or “XYZ is supposed to be super clever and original, I bet you would love it”.

Smalltalk (easy): You have to give people something to work with when talking to you, so you should talk about yourself without waiting to be asked. Avoid bragging about how great you are or whining about how unfair life is. Lots of people make themselves unlikeable by rambling about how they ran a marathon before breakfast and how they are the only competent person at their place of work. Try not to be that guy. Also, include how you felt about stuff: “Just told the barber I did not like my haircut. Yes I am very brave, thank you for noticing”. If there is any funny anecdote or tea to be spilled (drama), tell her about that too. Sharing is caring.

Note: Some people say that they hate smalltalk. I think that is because they a) saying this to seem deep or b) are bad at smalltalk or c) are frequently forced to have smalltalk when they do not want to. I recommend two YouTube videos on smalltalk: What to do if you hate smalltalk by School of Life which is a more philosophical video about why smalltalk is more meaningful than people think and Why smalltalk sucks by Answer in Progress which first takes a scientific approach and then has the creator put the research to the test by improving her smalltalk skills and coming to enjoy smalltalk. If you want to do your own research on the topic using Google Scholar, be aware that there is a programming language called Smalltalk and that a near-synonym for smalltalk is ‘phatic conversation’.

Flirting (advanced): A big part of flirting is hinting at something romantic or sexual, but retaining plausible deniability. It is saying “I clearly thought about it right then, but I am leaving some room for interpretation”. There needs to be tension, ambiguity and playfulness. An unfortunately overused and clumsy example is to tell her that she was part of a dream you had. A more customized example could be “I would love to see that movie with you, but I like dubbing and you like subtitles, so it would never work between us”. There are many other ways to flirt, but they all share that they rely on some degree of subtlety which is why this is difficult to pull off via chat.

Teasing (risky): People also enjoy being teased, because it communicates “I see your flaws clearly and they do not put me off. I can accept them. They are cute and funny and you will be safe being yourself with me”. For example, although I am a sensitive bitch, I still like being teased about being spoiled, a smart-ass and a nosy gossip. The warmth of those who tease me for them makes me feel seen and loved in a non-cheesy way. Be aware that this flirting style requires some skill and a deep knowledge of the person teased. If you are not already socially comfortable and emotionally perceptive, skip teasing entirely until you know the person better. If you come across as mean-spirited, teasing will backfire. Do not cross into negging territory and backhanded compliments.

Eyes on the Prize

You probably already know this: Do not rely on dating apps and do not stay on them for longer than necessary. Try and move the conversation quickly, but gradually 1) from the dating platform to a messenger, 2) then start sending voice notes, 3) then move from the messenger to a spoken phone conversation and 4) from there to a quick meetup or mini date, nothing too daunting. If she likes you, she might not initiate, but will certainly encourage and reward this progression. So, pay attention and do not try to take the next step, if she does not seem excited about it.

Finally, I would be remiss to say that I am not a big fan of dating apps. As always in life: Put your best foot forward, but try not to get attached to the outcome. Create other ways for love to find you offline.